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Saturday, Dec. 13, 2008 @ 5:56 P.M.

Older, but not much wiser...

My word... things, things have happened since the last time I put down text here. My bro had a birfday, I had a birfday, and it's been super-crazy at work in the Photo Dept. Yes, I turned the big 3... 0... I went I got my new DL. I think my picture looks better than my last one, prolly since I actually pulled my hair back and have a slight smile on my face. My last one, my da told me not to smile at all so it looks like a mug shot. Ick. Sufficed to say, I don't look that different in the pictures, just happier in my new one. And I am happy, (well, except for work, but I won't get into that right now) but kinda burning out with the holidays looming. Not only have I not finished my Christmas shopping, I have no idea what to get some people. I don't want to get stupid junk that just takes up space, but that's what I'll end up getting some of my friends 'cuz that's what they seem to like. I want to get things that are practical and useful, but Mi-chan says that's boring. I think it's economical. After all, I'm not made of money... I certainly cannot use my credit cards like I used to in the past. Someone cared enough to take them away from me, but it's kinda sucky not to be able to just spend, spend, spend! I know that's it's my own fault for not saving more when I had a good job, but dangit...
My bro and I had a good talk during his birfday dinner. Although I worry about his social life or lack thereof, he's more worried about me and how I'm doing. I keep hearing from my family that they think I'm being taken advantage of by my friends (not work, thank gooshness! That stopped when I left the theatre). I think they're worried that all my relationships are simply sucking away my reserves and holding me back at every turn. I never really thought of them that way and get kinda upset when they start to bad-mouth my friends. It's like they don't think I can make good decisions when it comes to picking people to hang around. My mother says she trusts my judgement, but I know she doesn't... especially when she says I should shed myself of certain people. Yeah, I'll just drop my friends like hot potatoes. Give me a break. I like these people and despite all the craziness and neurosis, I enjoy their company. No one is perfect. Also, I wonder if they're comparing Ryu-kun to my past boyfriends. That could be trouble if they think that he's like them. I tended towards the guys who were... let's face it, a bit loser-ly. Funny guys, but usually they had no ambition, I had to pay for things, and they were pretty much after only one thing (my flower, as my mother would say). I think, perhaps, they are afraid that I just have a general lack of discretion when it comes to people. Ra-chan says it's 'cuz I'm idealistic enough for everyone I know and see the good in almost everything. Why do I feel the need to apologize for that?
There are many times that I cannot help but feel sad for the people who seem to enjoy hurting others, even in small ways by being disrespectful of their property or of their persons. It's hard to see and not feel disappointed in the person. I mean, I think I'm happiest when I know that I've done something nice for someone else, even when they don't know I've done it. That's why I pre-stock things so that others don't even have to think about it. It's like stuff magically appears when it gets low. So, that's prolly why my bro says that when I do that kind of thing, I'm just spoiling the people who benefit from my preventive measures and over-planning nature. I tend to make sure if I've done something, you wouldn't know about it, 'cuz I cleaned up after myself and don't want to burden you with proof that I've been there. And yet... I hate cleaning up after other people and I feel under-appreciated most of the time, but then I don't. Augh! I dunno... I'm starting to contradict myself again.
And such is the dual nature of me.

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