.::Cursed::.

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Friday, May. 17, 2002 @ 5:38 P.M.

A whole lotta cryin' goin' on...

I'm such a mess... I dunno if it's just because I haven't gotten enough sleep or what, but I am an emotional wreck right now. I shouldn't listen to my CDs or read The Jellicle Chronicles when I'm like this at the same time. The combination just pushes me over the fine line that I have created that keeps my darkness and sadness in check. Oh God! Shakira's "The One" is playing now... ::sob:: I can't stand this! My heart aches so much when I think about him...

I don't think reading the Chronicles helps, either. The stories are so intricate and heart-wrenching. I sometimes wish I weren't so empathic and emotionally sensitive, even when I'm reading. People have seen me weep at movies before, laughing and shaking their heads at me for showing such open emotion in public. ::Shrug:: I can't help it and I'm not ashamed of it. But if they saw how much more I cry at simple written words... Sometimes my imagination is more powerful than any computer enhanced special effects.

Maybe I should just forget about my love. I often feel that my heart will break with all the love I have. I hate to see my sister suffer with her problems, I hate to see my parents agonize over things they can't change, I hate to see my friends worry. There was a time when I weaker that I gave my whole heart (sometimes time and money, too) to everybody else's problems... I mean, I never had any of my own, right? ::Grr:: Right... nothing was ever wrong with me. I always had to be the peacemaker and have the strenght to cope with all the bad things that happen from time to time. And people wondered why I sequestered myself in my room for days at a time. I got sick of everyone wanting to complain to me and be comforted by me. Eventually, I learned to put up a defensive shield and be slightly suspicious of people's motives. I learned to be more vocal of my own complaints and just as whiny as other people. But let me tell you something, I don't like it. It sucks to not trust others completely because I'm afraid of being taken advantage of. I'd rather be my fairly optimistic, sarcastic mood-swingin' self. I enjoy laughter above all, but having serious love-filled moments from time to time are soothing to my soul. ::Sigh::

So, I can't forget about love or give up on it. I have too much of it to share. My life wouldn't be at all bearable without it. To all my friends and family, and my Chris, I say this... I love all of you dearly.

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