.::Cursed::.

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Tuesday, May. 07, 2002 @ 12:19 A.M.

More Angst...

You have no idea, you have no idea... no idea, no idea... what to do, can't do, can't do... want to do, want to... dammit, I love him so much. Why can't we go back to our old dating status? Every time I'm with him I'm so blissfully happy. Then, again, every time I want to ask him about what to do about our relationship, I freak out and mumble nonsense. Not that I don't do that anyways from time to time, but this is different! He asks what I said and I'm so afraid of expressing my feelings every time, so I say "Oh, nothing, it's not important" or say something totally off the wall. I just don't know what to do or say. I know how to act, though. When I'm with my sibs I can be myself with him. Other times, he's just like my other guy friends. I'm afraid to be alone with him, though. I don't know if I could practice self-control. Y'know how I like to jump up and down in excitement? Yeah, like that...

I have this great fear of being hurt emotionally... it's a trust issue that I've never really resolved. That's prolly why I never let myself get so close to anyone as much as I did with Chris. That, and the moving every four years thing.

Stupid, stupid, stupid... why did I complicate my life with love? And with him? ::Sigh:: Because... Chris, mahal kita. I couldn't help it. That's okay, every body seems to be quite enamored with him. Tell me this isn't weird, all right? When I was still officially dating Chris, I got hella jealous every single time he would tell me that some tart said he was cute or they would even talk to him. I hid it, though, because, damn, I didn't want to show that I was insecure. Self-confidence is not something I have in abundance, especially when it comes to guys. He could have so easily gone with somebody other than me(notice I didn't say better? That's 'cuz I'm da shite!) and leave me hurtin'. But he did show me that I could trust him, then IT happened. Poopadelic shazbat and arghen shnargen!!! So, I'm now just his friend(his really, really close friend, cheh) and he tells me about the other girls and I feel a momentary pang of jealousy then laugh because I know how much of a hottie he is and they simply can't help themselves. I think it's hilarious, but for some reason he doesn't think it's funny. As Krissy once demanded, "He has to stop being hot for five seconds!!" Eh, he's not my boyfriend anyways(although we both want that to change). I can't do anything about it. Let 'em look. They can't have him either...

Ise gots Chris.

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