.::Cursed::.

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Tuesday, Apr. 16, 2002 @ 3:07 P.M.

Denying the truth is painful

This is just another installment of my angst ridden babbling that I will do from time to time. It's become quite apparent that no one is really reading these things, so I have nothing to fear about writing down how I really feel about stuff. I express myself better through my writing anyways.

Me and Chris... will the tragic story ever end? Doubtful. He calls me last night and I find out some revealing truths. I know how much I still love him, but I didn't realize how much he still cares for me too. I... I honestly thought that he just stopped... y'know... stopped loving me as soon as he broke it off with me, y'know? I was heartbroken and dispondent. I reverted back to my dark persona(it's all the black clothes and lipstick again). Actually, it feels good to dress that way again. And the lying. I hate to lie to people. Pretending that everything is okay even though I want to cry my eyes out every time they mentioned Chris. That Monday was just the worse. I had to call my sister that day and tell her and I bawled, really bawled. But I had to work and I put on my mask of "everything is fine" for everyone. It's bizarre. I sometimes wish that Chris was just like all the other guys I dated... someone to have fun with and drop when they do something that pisses me off. And it's hard to piss me off, let me tell you. I'm such a forgiving type, except when someone does something that hurts my feelings and isn't sorry about it.

Chris, well Chris... he... I thought that he was that type of guy who... I dunno... could get any girl he wants and play with them for a while then whoosh! He's gone. At least, that's how I felt right after we broke up. I was so angry and hurt, but after a week we talked. A whole week afterwards was all it took. My ire died down and I was able to face him. I still longed to be held by him, but like my sister reminded me, "I don't need a guy to feel good about myself." I've always had problems with my self-esteem, but with the help of my supportive family I was able to laugh about all our shortcomings and point out his. Nobody's perfect, not even the ones you love.

Love... I do still love him. That might make me look pretty pathetic in most people's eyes, but I know how to hide my true self just as well as everyone else... so don't mind me.

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